Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Fuck Off and Die: A Pre-Menstrual Translation Guide

From the vaults, here is an oldie but a (timely) goodie!  This information is for your continued good health!

In the future, I simply need to mark off the 3-5 days before my period and the first couple of days of said period on the calendar with a large warning of "OFFLINE TIME." The Internet is a horrible place to be when one's snarkiness is out of control. Faster than a card-carrying NRA member with an itchy trigger finger, my typing fingers fire off round after round of sarcasm and just plain meanness. Sometimes I don't even know what's happened until I see the carnage: hordes of innocent surfers and Facebook users in my wake, slain with my deadly wit and acerbic phrases.

Even a website as innocuous as awakens my ire. Some poor user who said "gray & navy -- two of my favorite neutrals" about a dress nearly got the following response:  "Navy is not a neutral; it's navy -- a blue, a cool color."

Another person who thinks they're oh so funny nearly got a snarky and snappy "Way to reinforce gender stereotypes!"

I actually published someone’s hair tutorial on Facebook with the following commentary:  I don't understand shit like this. Why go through all that work for a "not too perfect" wave? You can just put your hair in a giant clippie when it's wet (put some curly-girl gel in if you want), and later in the day, take the clippie out. Ta-da! Messy waves.   And no offense to Erin [my hairdresser] and my other friends who are more hair-talented than I am -- although I think even Erin would agree that my way is easier. :-)

In an attempt to curb the acid tongue, I've started saying things that really don't reflect what I'm thinking at all. Here's a handy-dandy translation guide for the brave.
  • "Congrats!" or "Congratulations!" = "Fuck off and die."
  • "Sure, I can do that for you!" = "Yes, I will do that, but please for the love of God and all that's holy, stop boring me with your endless reasons of WHY you want me to do that because I don't really give a fuck. At all. Not even a little bit. Why are you still talking?"

In fact, many of the statements from the second bullet point are useful translations for most anything said during this ten-day Internet sabbatical (5 days of PMS, 5 days of period). Nevertheless, I have provided you with some further translations to clear up any confusion. 

You Said:
I Said:
It Really Means:
“How are you?”
“I hate everything today.”
“How are you?”
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Fuck off.”

“Fuck you!”
“Fuck you.”

“Fuck off.”
“Off is the direction in which I want you to fuck.”
“Sure is hot outside.”
“Yep, sure is.”
“Oh. My. God.  Why are you talking?”
“Could you/Would you/Will you [fill in the blank’?”
“I have nothing better to do than hemorrhage and be bloated and listen to your never-ending list of bland, everyday life – DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN MAKE IT STOP!  Before my ears start bleeding.”

“Thank you for the information.”
“I do not need more proof of your idiocy.  Stop boring me with details of your ineptitude.  I don’t care!  I don’t care!  I don’t care!  La la la la la la – NOT LISTENING!”

“I love you!”
“You brought me a present!”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Your offering is displeasing to me.  Go away and do not return until you have something worthy and useful like snacks, vodka, jewelry, a new book, a new movie, new yarn, SOMETHING SHINY, a kitten.”

This Public Service Announcement bought to you by ibuprofen, Playtex Glide tampons, and a whole heapin' helpin' of vodka.

(Image compliments of

No comments:

Post a Comment