Further Leonard Adventures

Yesterday, on my drive home two separate and incredibly disturbing things happened.

Thing #1
A driver changed lanes and moved right behind me.  No, that's not the disturbing part.  I saw the driver in my rearview mirror, and s/he was grinning at me.  I did not recognize this person.  They had white hair cropped short and I still don't know the person's gender; I couldn't tell (and it's not really relevant to the story).  But s/he appeared to be grinning at me -- not just smiling, but full on, teeth showing, grinning.

I didn't know this person.  I tried to surreptitiously look around me.  Was there something hilarious happening around me on the highway?  Was the back end of my car suddenly amusing?  I don't have any bumper stickers on my car nor do I have a vanity license plate, so there was nothing funny for the grinning person to read.  I was wearing sunglasses, so the person couldn't seem me continuing to glance in my rear view mirror to check on them.  But every time I did, they were still grinning.  Their FACE WASN'T MOVING.  AT ALL.  Just frozen in that psychotic, unblinking, perma-grin, with several white teeth showing.  For the next quarter of a mile in stop-and-go rush hour traffic.

And all I could think was, This is what happens when you tell women to smile all the time!  We get psychopaths following us down the highway with a facial expression that would give Jared Leto a run for his money.

He's so much prettier when he smiles!

Thing #2
Not ten minutes later during the same commute, I was nearly killed!  Well, if not killed, then nearly severely injured!

I was in the exit lane to go from one interstate to the other, and traffic was backed up.  We were all at an almost complete stop, brake lights for as far as the eye could see.  And it wasn't a sudden "oh crap, everyone is stopping!" kinda deal.  We were pretty much on our brakes from the time we turned on our blinkers to get into that lane (those of us conscientious drivers who actually use our blinkers, that is).  So I'm sitting there, paying attention to the cars in front of me, and when I hear super loud tire squealing from behind.

I immediately glance out my side mirror, and I can see a burgundy car barreling toward me.  The driver who was immediately behind me pulled all the way on the shoulder (to the right), another driver was pulling toward the left, to get out of this maniac's way.  The maniac (a young woman, BTW) started to pull toward the left as she was squealing her brakes and narrowly avoided slamming into me -- me, who had nowhere else to go.  And then she had the nerve to still try to get into said exit lane.  I gestured broadly Please!  Go Ahead!  I didn't want to be anywhere near her.

Is it any wonder I continually look for jobs that would allow me to work from home?  Oh, except I don't have a home (see:  Disaster Destruction Displacement 2016).  More on that later...

Book Review: Poison or Protect

Poison or Protect by Gail Carriger
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Let it be known that I don't often give five-star reviews. So for a novella to earn that from me,...well, that's kind of a big deal. But when I finished Gail Carriger's Poison or Protect I was satisfied, for lack of a better word. I couldn't think of something I'd want to change or rewrite or edit; there was nothing dangling in my head as "unfinished."

It is the mark of a good writer that s/he can make us feel affection for villains, or, more accurately, that s/he gives us rounded, fleshed out characters who are complicated and complex, rather than flat characters who can be described as "hero" or "villain" with no grey area in between*. And Carriger has just done just that with Lady Preshea Villentia, the Mourning Star (and extra points for always giving us fantastic character names!).

If you've read Carriger's "Finishing School" series, you will recognize Preshea as one of the "mean girls" of Mademoiselle Geraldine’s Finishing Academy for Young Ladies of Quality.

[Please note that you absolutely do not have to read those four books in order to read and enjoy this novella. Some of the winks and nods to the reader may be lost on you, but you won't even notice as they fly by.]

Telling (at least half of) this story from Preshea's point of view gives us a chance to understand her and her meanness just a bit more. Carriger doesn't try to change or rescue Preshea; she simply gives us insight to a complicated character. As Poison or Protect takes places a couple of decades after the Finishing School series, there is plenty of time for Carriger to fill in Preshea's backstory.

I also found it rather remarkable that, for a universe built on the existence of the supernatural (as that's where the Parasol Protectorate books start), there are only two -- count' em, TWO -- supernatural characters in this book**. And only briefly at that. (You'll recognize them both.) While some of the other characters refer, briefly and generally, to werewolves and vampires, they are not the focus; and the book does not suffer for it. I don't think that's a feat easily attained.

And while we're on the subject, the "steampunkiness" of Carriger's universe is also not such a focus in this novella. A couple of dirigibles here and there, and that's about it. Very little gadgetry, yet we do not notice that it's missing. It was only after the fact that I came to these two realizations.

So without the supernatural and without the steampunk, what are we left with? Dammit, Gail Garriger, you got me to read a romance novel(la)!! And I may or may not have enjoyed it. I may never forgive you for that.

Speaking of romance, Carriger manages to write some very tasteful (though no less sexy and/or erotic) sex scenes. I think I saw the word "cock" maybe once. I'm no shrinking violet when it comes to sex (or sex scenes), but there was nothing crude or vulgar about these. I appreciated that.

Last but not least: writing in Scottish dialect. I don't think I'll ever tire of some of these characters and their "dinna's" and "ken's." It's just sprinkled in there, even in their thoughts, and never forced in a way that feels like "I'M SCOTTISH. HERE I AM SPEAKING SCOTTISH AND DOING SCOTTISH THINGS."

So go, read, enjoy. Whether or not you do it whilst drinking tea and wearing a corset is up to you.

*See also Marissa Meyers' Fairest (Lunar Chronicles #3.5), or even just the first few chapters of Game of Thrones. When the POV switches, we suddenly find ourselves not sure whose side we're supposed to be on.
**I should say three, I think. There is Formerly Connie.
***Y'know what,...there is something slightly left unfinished: (click to read whole review with spoiler).

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White Privilege in Two Paragraphs

There are yard signs around the city which say, "We Must Stop Killing Each Other."  There is one on my sister-in-law's block.  And she was grieving the fact that her nine-year-old daughter (our niece, Little Red) is now able to read, which means that she will have to explain to Little Red what that sign means and why it's posted and what is going on with the state of the world.  I said, "Well, it's true [that we must stop killing each other]" to my Unit, who then expressed her desire (similar to her sister's) to keep Little Red as young and innocent as she can be, before she has to realize what a horrible place the world is.

I see one of those signs "We Must Stop Killing Each Other" every day when I drive home from work, and it dawned on me that for other children, other nine- and ten-year-olds, "We Must Stop Killing Each Other" is an everyday reality.  Other, non-white children have to be told on a daily basis why their friends and families are being shot and killed.  Other, non-white children have to be taught things like "Hands Up; Don't Shoot" and to always comply with persons of authority because at any moment they could be unjustly harassed, assaulted, and/or killed.  That is their everyday reality.  And the fact that Little Red's parents have the luxury of deciding when to tell her about this reality -- this "other" reality -- is white privilege.  Plain.  Lucky.  Stupid. Privilege.

Book Review: A Hundred Essays I Don't Have Time to Write

100 Essays I Don't Have Time to Write: On Umbrellas and Sword Fights, Parades and Dogs, Fire Alarms, Children, and Theater by Sarah Ruhl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

You MUST read this book. If you are an actor, playwright, dramaturg, technician, director, producer, stage manager, and/or lover of theatre/storytelling of any kind, you need to allow Sarah Ruhl's brilliant essays into your life. There are only a hundred of them (with the longest being maybe three pages); you'd do well to find the time.

Ruhl's wit and wisdom are apparent in the very title, and they carry through her offerings. One of this book's best qualities is that these are a hundred essays she "doesn't have time to write" -- meaning, none of them are too long, and Ruhl isn't necessarily digging for truth or trying to unlock the earth's great mysteries. She asks a lot of questions, but does not force any answers. Ruhl tells some wonderful, touching, funny stories (some of which may or may not have brought me to tears whilst on the treadmill at the gym), but she's not didactic. She'll make you stop and think about storytelling and theatre and drama and communities and our need for play and social interaction. But she'll never make you feel like she's demanding that you think about these things.

I didn't necessarily agree with all of the points she brought up (her bit on subtext in dialogue, in particular, seemed counter to everything I've learned), but I appreciated the opportunity to see another viewpoint and to maybe -- just maybe -- approach some of my own work differently.

I borrowed this book from the library, but that didn't stop me from highlighting a passage in nearly every essay, sometimes two! (On my Kindle, people, don't freak out.) I'm still going to have to buy it so I can go back and read those gems whenever I like.

Like I said, you MUST READ THIS BOOK. This book is a necessary tool of the craft, right up there with Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. The two shall be bosom companions on my bookshelf.

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Of Squirrels and Angels

Scene:  7 a.m. on Sunday morning, my Unit rushes into the house after taking Dogzilla for her morning constitutional.  I am, of course, still in bed.

"Well, Dogzilla caught a squirrel!" she announces.
"What??"  I'm really only half awake.
"Yes!  It practically jumped in her mouth!  I think this squirrel wanted to die.  Seriously, it ran right into her mouth.  And then of course, she wouldn't let it go -- "
"This was on your walk?  Or out in the backyard?"  (See? Still not entirely awake.)
"While we were walking!  And I try to keep her away from squirrels while we're walking, and it still ran and jumped directly into her mouth!!"
"Kamikaze squirrel?"
"I guess!  So I have her on the leash, I'm trying to get her to drop the squirrel, but of course, I don't want to touch the squirrel!  And she wouldn't let it go!!  I didn't know what I was going to do!  Was she just going to bring it home??  So I have her down on the sidewalk, I'm still holding onto the leash, and I'm telling her 'NO!' and 'DROP IT!' and this short, scruffy, white guy comes out of nowhere -- why are all my angels short, scruffy, white guys?"
"Wha--?"
"And he says, 'Hey, I can help you,' so I say, 'Sure!'" my Unit is both exasperated at this point in her story and in the telling of it.  "So he slowly reaches into his pocket --"
"Wait, I can't see!"  (Still in bed, no contacts or glasses.)   

My Unit comes closer so my sorry blind self can mostly see her, and she slowly acts out the dramatic reaching into the pocket.  "And he pulls out...a taser."
"WHAT?!?!"
"YES!  A fucking taser!  And I'm like, 'Dude, don't tase my dog!' and I'm thinking, 'And don't tase me either!!'"
"Who goes around with a taser in their pocket??"
"Apparently short, scruffy, white guys do!  So then he leans in real close [to Dogzilla] and goes zzt-zzt!" (Unit mimicking the sound and action of a taser.)
"WHAT??!?"
"Just to scare her a bit!  He didn't touch her. And she dropped the squirrel!  And the squirrel is lying there on its side, all huhuhuh" (Unit mimicking squirrel death-panting.)
"Yeah, it was probably bleeding internally."
"And the guy says, 'Oh.  I'm gonna hafta put it out of its misery.'  So I say, 'Okay,...umm, do you mind if I walk away before that?'  And we left."
"Wow."
"Yeah!  So that happened.  Okay, I have to go to work -- bye!"

And then she left.
End scene.

Not the Super Power I Was Hoping For

The other day, as I was leaving Walgreens, I heard this horrible high-pitched sound in my car.  I first made sure all of the windows were rolled up properly.

They were.

I turned off the radio to make sure it wasn't part of some (horrible) song.

It wasn't.

I realized I had the A/C going, so maybe one of the vents wasn't opened all the way?  You know how sometimes if you open or close the air vents, some air squeaks through (literally)?  I checked them all, and it made no difference.  I could still hear the high-pitched whining noise, almost like an awful whistle or some tiny fairy screaming while it's infesting the tissue of my brain.  The only thing that made the noise go away was cranking the A/C fan up to 3.

So I did.

Until I got too cold, but then I was thankfully near my destination so I didn't have to be cold or have a headache by the horrible squealing noise Satan brain fairy.

Later that night, when leaving rehearsal, I heard the sound again.  Crap! I thought, and I went to crank the A/C fan to 3...when I realized I didn't have the A/C on.  At all.

But you know what was "on"?

The pink car lighter adapter and (matching pink) lightning cord I had purchased from Walgreens earlier that day, which was currently charging my phone.

What the...???

I unplugged the cords at a stoplight.  The high-pitched noise stopped.
I plugged them back in.  The noise started again:  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeIIIIIIIEeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I unplugged them again.  The tiny demon fairy noise stopped.

I plugged it back in -- eeeeeIIIIIIIEeeeeee -- I wiggled the plug around to make sure it was connected all the way.
It was.
The noise didn't stop.

I sighed and unplugged the cord for good so my brain would stop screaming in unison with the squealing.

This was not the super power I wanted*, Universe!

It's the same super power that lets me hear if a TV or computer monitor is plugged in within a 20+ foot radius.
It's the same super power that lets me hear "silent" dog whistles.
And now it lets me pick up iOS charging materials.

*Where's Leonard's origin story?  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, have you heard about my #lightningcar?  Or the airplane I was in that was struck by lightning?  Or those times I was electrically shocked?  But instead of Electro, I got Krypto the Super Dog.

Team Iron Man

You should know, before even going into my review of Civil War, which side I'm on.  Tony and I go way back.  It's a matter of loyalty at this point.  And of stubbornness.  So while I'm in the minority, I know which side I'm on.  But enough about me, on to the bullet points!

By the time this post will be published, I will have seen Captain America:  Civil War twice, and naturally, I have thoughts about that.  Here they are in some semblance of an order:

• They wrote Pepper out of another film.  I realize it's not her movie (it's not even Tony's movie!), but it still feels like a bit of a cop-out.
• Who else was completely and utterly weirded out by the CGI "young" Robert Downey, Jr.?!?  I was so distracted by his face during that scene I almost missed what was happening.
• Civil War says this "memory" is 1991, the year the Starks died.  The flashback at the opening of Iron Man 3 (when they're in Switzerland) is in 1999.  I think they may have turned the Way Back Machine back too far for 1991's RDJ.
• Sokovia?  Really?  His whole deal is "just" about Sokovia?  A friend asked me if rewatching The Winter Soldier would be helpful for this movie, and I said, "As long as you remember who Bucky/Winter Soldier is, you're fine.  In fact, rewatching Age of Ultron would be just as if not more helpful."  And I stand by that.  Because there's a lot more that has to do with Sokovia than anything else (in my opinion).
• But Zemo's whole modus operandi did feel a little lacking to me.  This theory helped to allay some of that.  (CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS)
• After my second viewing, I've realized that the above theory is incorrect in one major point:  there are bullet holes in the glass of at least four of the five "containers" (fifth container was not shown close on screen to check).
• Speaking of MacGuffins, what about Crossbones?  Has anyone addressed this yet?  He was only there so the Avengers could cause some (accidental) mass destruction as a final catalyst to the Sokovia Accords.  We never really saw why he was doing it (except Cap "dropped a building" on his face), we did not know what biological weapon he was stealing (or why), and then he was dead before we could even really care.
• Hello Black Panther!  Leonard loves her some cats, no matter the size.  What I appreciated most about Chadwick Boseman's portrayal is that they managed to make him look both feline and masculine.  We often associate cats with femininity (see:  Freud, literary theories, and DC's Batman), but I felt they managed to make him look, act, and move masculine and cat-like and, of course, bad-ass. 

  

  "Dude shows up dressed like a cat, and you don't wanna know more?"

• Speaking of His Catness, what's his deal?  His suit is bullet-proof (possibly made of vibranium), but does he also have super powers?  Or is he just really athletic?  See my list below.
• The airport fight scene, the one that everyone (Leonard included) lost their shit over in the trailers -- yes, THAT one,...felt a bit stiff and contrived for me at first.  It didn't feel like "THE" fight.  Thankfully Wanda addressed my issue (to Hawkeye):  "You're pulling your punches."  Of course it felt a bit stifled -- no one wanted to actually hurt their friends!  They're holding back, and I could tell.  As soon as that became clear, I felt better.  Even after Wanda's moment, they still (mostly) held back.  And I was glad; they're my friends, too, and I don't want to see any of them get hurt.
• Spider-Man:  let's address address the Spider in the room.  Everyone (except Leonard) also lost their collective shit over seeing the Spiderling in the trailers.  I said it then and I'll say it now:  he sounds (and looks!) like he's twelve!  It's hard for me to take him seriously (or even like someone who has at least gone through puberty) with his li'l pumpkin face and giant awkward ears.  Yes, his lines were funny, but his intro scene with Tony was, well,...weird.  The timing of their dialogue was off, and not in that "this should be awkward" way; in a "this is awkward because we actors haven't been given proper direction" way.
• Black Widow's hair was getting dangerously close to the "too fussy" zone in this film; in the mean time, ScarJo is doing her best Farrah Fawcett impression while kicking ass and taking names.
• Holy Beefcake, Batman!  You know what I'm talking about: 

  

  Look at my guuuuuuuns!

  This was almost too much, when he switched his grip and we got the bicep pose and the manly grunting face.  There was a fair amount of beefcake in this film compared to the others, and I'm okay with that.  Similarly there was a lot less cheesecake (did you see Black Widow wearing pants, boots, and a COAT in the opening fight scene??), and I'm also okay with that.  Turn about is fair play, fellas.  It's your turn to be objectified for once.
• Lots of fun lines, too many to quote, really.  Pick your own!
• I thought the film did a really good job showing the points of both sides of the major argument.  Which is why this is STILL VERY UPSETTING!!! 

  

  2 against 1 isn't fair, people!

Having seen the movie twice in the theaters, I think I've memorized the lines I like and can now happily wait for it on DVD.  It has also inspired this spreadsheet of superheroes:

Name	Suit?	Training	Power(s)	Evaluation
Black Panther	Yes	Probably some military	Unknown	3 of 5 asses to kick
War Machine	Yes	Military	None	3.5 asses to kick
Iron Man	Yes	Not really	None	Genius playboy billionaire philanthropist
Bucky/Winter Soldier	Yes (well, an arm’s worth)	Military & general brainwashing	None	4 of 5 asses to kick
Black Widow	Nope	Lots of military/assassin	None	ALL the asses to kick!
Captain America	No	Military	Beefy arms.  And legs.  And chest.	Nearly Indestructible
Vision	No	Does having Jarvis in your make-up count?	Synthetic, Infinity Stone, Change Density at any time	Indestructible
Scarlet Witch	No	No	“she’s weird” and can apparently bend reality	Glass Cannon*
Spider-Man	Yes	No	Scaling walls, shooting webbing, enhanced sensory all around	Ask me again after he hits puberty.
Falcon	Yes	Military	None	“Bird costume?  That’s cold.”
Ant Man	Yes	Just Thieving Stuff	None	Not the first I’d call unless I just wanted funny stuff
Hawkeye	No	Military	None	Pretty bad-ass for someone so vulnerable
Thor**	No	Asgardian Military	Giant hammer, lightning & thunder	God-like
Loki**	No	Very little Asgardian Military	Staff with Infinity Stone, glamours	So very pretty
Hulk**	No	No	ANGRY (and giant)	HULK SMASH!

*My friend Casey explained this term:  can hit superhard ("cannon"), y'know, like take down friggin' Vision!  But is also fragile, will down from one punch from Cap ("glass")

**Not pictured in this film