Not the Super Power I Was Hoping For

The other day, as I was leaving Walgreens, I heard this horrible high-pitched sound in my car.  I first made sure all of the windows were rolled up properly.

They were.

I turned off the radio to make sure it wasn't part of some (horrible) song.

It wasn't.

I realized I had the A/C going, so maybe one of the vents wasn't opened all the way?  You know how sometimes if you open or close the air vents, some air squeaks through (literally)?  I checked them all, and it made no difference.  I could still hear the high-pitched whining noise, almost like an awful whistle or some tiny fairy screaming while it's infesting the tissue of my brain.  The only thing that made the noise go away was cranking the A/C fan up to 3.

So I did.

Until I got too cold, but then I was thankfully near my destination so I didn't have to be cold or have a headache by the horrible squealing noise Satan brain fairy.

Later that night, when leaving rehearsal, I heard the sound again.  Crap! I thought, and I went to crank the A/C fan to 3...when I realized I didn't have the A/C on.  At all.

But you know what was "on"?

The pink car lighter adapter and (matching pink) lightning cord I had purchased from Walgreens earlier that day, which was currently charging my phone.

What the...???

I unplugged the cords at a stoplight.  The high-pitched noise stopped.
I plugged them back in.  The noise started again:  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeIIIIIIIEeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I unplugged them again.  The tiny demon fairy noise stopped.

I plugged it back in -- eeeeeIIIIIIIEeeeeee -- I wiggled the plug around to make sure it was connected all the way.
It was.
The noise didn't stop.

I sighed and unplugged the cord for good so my brain would stop screaming in unison with the squealing.

This was not the super power I wanted*, Universe!

It's the same super power that lets me hear if a TV or computer monitor is plugged in within a 20+ foot radius.
It's the same super power that lets me hear "silent" dog whistles.
And now it lets me pick up iOS charging materials.

*Where's Leonard's origin story?  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, have you heard about my #lightningcar?  Or the airplane I was in that was struck by lightning?  Or those times I was electrically shocked?  But instead of Electro, I got Krypto the Super Dog.

Team Iron Man

You should know, before even going into my review of Civil War, which side I'm on.  Tony and I go way back.  It's a matter of loyalty at this point.  And of stubbornness.  So while I'm in the minority, I know which side I'm on.  But enough about me, on to the bullet points!

By the time this post will be published, I will have seen Captain America:  Civil War twice, and naturally, I have thoughts about that.  Here they are in some semblance of an order:

• They wrote Pepper out of another film.  I realize it's not her movie (it's not even Tony's movie!), but it still feels like a bit of a cop-out.
• Who else was completely and utterly weirded out by the CGI "young" Robert Downey, Jr.?!?  I was so distracted by his face during that scene I almost missed what was happening.
• Civil War says this "memory" is 1991, the year the Starks died.  The flashback at the opening of Iron Man 3 (when they're in Switzerland) is in 1999.  I think they may have turned the Way Back Machine back too far for 1991's RDJ.
• Sokovia?  Really?  His whole deal is "just" about Sokovia?  A friend asked me if rewatching The Winter Soldier would be helpful for this movie, and I said, "As long as you remember who Bucky/Winter Soldier is, you're fine.  In fact, rewatching Age of Ultron would be just as if not more helpful."  And I stand by that.  Because there's a lot more that has to do with Sokovia than anything else (in my opinion).
• But Zemo's whole modus operandi did feel a little lacking to me.  This theory helped to allay some of that.  (CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS)
• After my second viewing, I've realized that the above theory is incorrect in one major point:  there are bullet holes in the glass of at least four of the five "containers" (fifth container was not shown close on screen to check).
• Speaking of MacGuffins, what about Crossbones?  Has anyone addressed this yet?  He was only there so the Avengers could cause some (accidental) mass destruction as a final catalyst to the Sokovia Accords.  We never really saw why he was doing it (except Cap "dropped a building" on his face), we did not know what biological weapon he was stealing (or why), and then he was dead before we could even really care.
• Hello Black Panther!  Leonard loves her some cats, no matter the size.  What I appreciated most about Chadwick Boseman's portrayal is that they managed to make him look both feline and masculine.  We often associate cats with femininity (see:  Freud, literary theories, and DC's Batman), but I felt they managed to make him look, act, and move masculine and cat-like and, of course, bad-ass. 

  

  "Dude shows up dressed like a cat, and you don't wanna know more?"

• Speaking of His Catness, what's his deal?  His suit is bullet-proof (possibly made of vibranium), but does he also have super powers?  Or is he just really athletic?  See my list below.
• The airport fight scene, the one that everyone (Leonard included) lost their shit over in the trailers -- yes, THAT one,...felt a bit stiff and contrived for me at first.  It didn't feel like "THE" fight.  Thankfully Wanda addressed my issue (to Hawkeye):  "You're pulling your punches."  Of course it felt a bit stifled -- no one wanted to actually hurt their friends!  They're holding back, and I could tell.  As soon as that became clear, I felt better.  Even after Wanda's moment, they still (mostly) held back.  And I was glad; they're my friends, too, and I don't want to see any of them get hurt.
• Spider-Man:  let's address address the Spider in the room.  Everyone (except Leonard) also lost their collective shit over seeing the Spiderling in the trailers.  I said it then and I'll say it now:  he sounds (and looks!) like he's twelve!  It's hard for me to take him seriously (or even like someone who has at least gone through puberty) with his li'l pumpkin face and giant awkward ears.  Yes, his lines were funny, but his intro scene with Tony was, well,...weird.  The timing of their dialogue was off, and not in that "this should be awkward" way; in a "this is awkward because we actors haven't been given proper direction" way.
• Black Widow's hair was getting dangerously close to the "too fussy" zone in this film; in the mean time, ScarJo is doing her best Farrah Fawcett impression while kicking ass and taking names.
• Holy Beefcake, Batman!  You know what I'm talking about: 

  

  Look at my guuuuuuuns!

  This was almost too much, when he switched his grip and we got the bicep pose and the manly grunting face.  There was a fair amount of beefcake in this film compared to the others, and I'm okay with that.  Similarly there was a lot less cheesecake (did you see Black Widow wearing pants, boots, and a COAT in the opening fight scene??), and I'm also okay with that.  Turn about is fair play, fellas.  It's your turn to be objectified for once.
• Lots of fun lines, too many to quote, really.  Pick your own!
• I thought the film did a really good job showing the points of both sides of the major argument.  Which is why this is STILL VERY UPSETTING!!! 

  

  2 against 1 isn't fair, people!

Having seen the movie twice in the theaters, I think I've memorized the lines I like and can now happily wait for it on DVD.  It has also inspired this spreadsheet of superheroes:

Name	Suit?	Training	Power(s)	Evaluation
Black Panther	Yes	Probably some military	Unknown	3 of 5 asses to kick
War Machine	Yes	Military	None	3.5 asses to kick
Iron Man	Yes	Not really	None	Genius playboy billionaire philanthropist
Bucky/Winter Soldier	Yes (well, an arm’s worth)	Military & general brainwashing	None	4 of 5 asses to kick
Black Widow	Nope	Lots of military/assassin	None	ALL the asses to kick!
Captain America	No	Military	Beefy arms.  And legs.  And chest.	Nearly Indestructible
Vision	No	Does having Jarvis in your make-up count?	Synthetic, Infinity Stone, Change Density at any time	Indestructible
Scarlet Witch	No	No	“she’s weird” and can apparently bend reality	Glass Cannon*
Spider-Man	Yes	No	Scaling walls, shooting webbing, enhanced sensory all around	Ask me again after he hits puberty.
Falcon	Yes	Military	None	“Bird costume?  That’s cold.”
Ant Man	Yes	Just Thieving Stuff	None	Not the first I’d call unless I just wanted funny stuff
Hawkeye	No	Military	None	Pretty bad-ass for someone so vulnerable
Thor**	No	Asgardian Military	Giant hammer, lightning & thunder	God-like
Loki**	No	Very little Asgardian Military	Staff with Infinity Stone, glamours	So very pretty
Hulk**	No	No	ANGRY (and giant)	HULK SMASH!

*My friend Casey explained this term:  can hit superhard ("cannon"), y'know, like take down friggin' Vision!  But is also fragile, will down from one punch from Cap ("glass")

**Not pictured in this film

Don't Read the Fine Print

Or:  Ignorance Is Bliss
Or:  Why I Won't Be Going to the Y

In case you haven't heard, Leonard has started going to the gym again.  Well, two different gyms,...trying to find the right one.  And in case you don't remember, Leonard went to the gym once before.  If you want to read the boring reasons of why I'm trying a gym again, scroll to the bottom:

Two things to keep in mind while reading Leonard's Quest for Gym:

1. I'm cheap.
2. I'm lazy.

I don't want to spend a lot of money or really commit to anything.  And I don't want to travel too far out of my way to get to this place where I will sweat and smell bad.  Near me are two places that fit my requirements:  the YWCA and a Planet Fitness.  And at first glance, they appear to fit my very basic gym needs:  weight machines, some kind of cardio, locker rooms/showers.

I was wary of the Planet Fitness.  Was the location skeezy?  Would people be creepy?  Would it be dirty?  What's up with offering pizza and doughnuts at a gym?  So then I looked at the YMCA, but I couldn't find any prices whatsoever.  I did sign up for a Guest Pass, though, and it was delivered to my e-mail box with a note that "someone would be contacting [me] about a membership."  I printed off the pass, put on my big girl panties, and went someplace new and large and loud and scary to the YMCA.

The people were friendly enough, and I told them that I was interested in membership details, but still no one got back with me on that.  This particular facility is downright huge for a Y, and it was the hopping place to be at 6 p.m. on a weeknight.  It was busy, but not too crowded.  They had a lot of cardio equipment (treadmills, stairmasters, stationary bikes, etc.), some weights (the big, "manual" kind), and a smattering of weight machines.  I'd say they had only one of each type of weight machine, sometimes two; that, in turn, meant I had to wait for the weights sometimes (see what I did there?) or do something else and come back.

I spent 30-35 minutes on the treadmill, which was about 15 minutes too many; by the time I got down, I felt like I was floating all the way to the locker room and beyond.  When I got home, still breathless, my Unit commented,  "You look pale.  Like all the blood went straight to your heart."

It wasn't a bad experience, although I was disappointed that I couldn't find any pricing information online and that no one had contacted me about it.  The next day I decided I wanted to work out again (who AM I??!??), but my YMCA Guest Pass was only good for one day.

I looked at Planet Fitness again online, but I couldn't find any information about guest passes. I called them and was informed that a "day pass" costs twenty dollars ("but that fee is then applied to your membership if you sign up").  Then I tried to research more on the Y's website (give me dollars and prices, people!) when I stumbled across their Membership Handbook.  I was scrolling through the PDF file when I discovered page three under "Lockers":

"Use the gender appropriate locker room with which you legally identify."

Wow.  What if my legal status hasn't been changed/updated to reflect my gender identity?  What if I don't have an updated legal photo I.D. with my new name/gender?  While it's not as bad as North Carolina saying to use the biological sex on one's birth certificate, it's close.

And then I found under "Code of Conduct" this little gem:

"We take pride in our family friendly environment. Please keep attire appropriate and modest."

"Modest" according to whom?  What is "appropriate"?  Your family and my family may be entirely different.  If it's hot and I'm busting through my cardio, am I not allowed to wear capris and a sports bra?  My swimsuit probably shows cleavage because I have big boobs; is that going to offend your family's modest sensibilities?

Granted, those things did not happen to me in the hour that I was there, but the fact remains that they could.  The fact remains that the language alone made me very uncomfortable.  And when I told all of these things to my Unit, she pointed out the same thought I was having, "YMCA does stand for 'Young Men's Christian Association.'"

And that clinched it for me.  Off to Planet Fitness I went, despite the charge to try out the facility. Luckily for me when I showed up to the desk, the attendant was the same person I had spoken to earlier.  And she let me use the facility for free (without me asking) -- which practically guaranteed that I would sign up for a membership because I am a sucker for good customer service.

So there ya have it.  Reading the fine print will usually destroy your blissful ignorance and remind you of what those pesky abbreviations stand for.

Prologue:  Why a Gym?  Why Now?  And then I dislocated my knee (for the third time), so I stopped.  But after last September's adventure on a trapeze (yes, a real trapeze!), I decided I wanted to try more things, new things, fancy aerial things.  And I did aerial yoga for a while.  And I really enjoyed it (and didn't hurt myself).  But my schedule of rehearsals combined with crippling anxiety ("where have you been? why haven't you been here?) mean I haven't been there in months.  And when I looked, the class I had liked was no longer on the schedule.  Also I realized that yoga was not doing enough; I wasn't sweating enough, getting my heart rate high enough. 

But you know what did do those things?  Going to the gym.  But I no longer teach at a university with a fitness center, so now what?  Cue Leonard's search for a gym.

Smells Like My Childhood

I just tried dry shampoo for the first time yesterday.  Where have you been all my life??  Why did I wait so long to try you??  Actually, I can answer that last question.

Ever since my stylist mentioned dry shampoo (like five years ago), I've had the notion in my head that it was akin to dumping a box of corn starch on your head:  powdery, messy, and ultimately not worth the bother.  And I've had that thought until just last week when I saw a rather hilarious commercial:




As you can see (and hear), it mentions dry shampoo and shows women using -- wait, what's that?  An aerosol can??  I needed to rethink my whole stance on dry shampoo because let's face it:  I don't wash my hair everyday.

Maybe I should have warned you before dropping that bomb.

But I don't.  Many of us don't.  In fact, you shouldn't.  Washing your hair everyday is hard on it and can strip it of the natural oils it needs to be healthy, but sometimes those oils get out of control and your hair looks wet even when it's not (ew).  Dry shampoo is perfect for that.  Or for mornings when you don't have time to shower and simply take a whore's bath (sponging yourself off and/or using a "wipe" of some kind) instead.  Don't lie.  You know you've done it.

Yesterday when running errands, I added "dry shampoo" to my list (yes, I use a list).  But what kind?  What brand?  Trying new things is scary!  Only one of my go-to, recognizable brands had a dry shampoo, which I nearly bought.  But another -- a brand I had never heard of -- had their bottles tagged with "UK's #1 dry shampoo" in several different scents.  Like a total redneck, I took off the cap in the store and sprayed just a tiny bit so I could smell it.  Not bad!  And I bought it.

I used it later in the day at home, a sort of test run before going in public with this.  I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday, so it was a good day to try.

Results:  It's still powdery.  In fact, it's still a powder (which makes sense when trying to absorb oils...because science!).  But it's an aerated powder -- aerated?  Aereolized?  That sounds like something you do to become a redheaded mermaid with nipples.  It's in a spray can, goddammit.

Mermaids are not in the market for dry shampoos.

As such, they're not kidding when they say to hold the can 12" away from your hair and to also brush your hair when done to get rid of any excess.  I did both, and I still may have overdone it a little.  But it was miraculous!  Suddenly, you wouldn't have guessed I hadn't washed my hair in more than 48 hours!

And the scent!  The bottle said "cherry," but it doesn't smell like an actual cherry so much as it smells like a toy from 1980s that was supposed to be cherry-scented.  Something in my childhood smelled just like this (not necessarily a bad thing).  I kept sniffing my hair because I enjoyed it so.

 Batiste Dry Shampoo in Cherry

The cons:  If you're not careful, it will look like you dumped some cornstarch or baby powder on your roots because of the powder.  And wow, it really makes my gray hairs stand out adds to your highlights!  And if you run your fingers through your hair too many times, they will feel all powdery, too.  Clearly, this is not for everyday use, but I may be hooked.  If you catch me sniffing my hair, you can bet it was a dry shampoo day.





News Flash:  Just now, while looking for images, it appears they make a dry shampoo with "a touch of color" for redheads!!!  We may be on to something here, folks.

FOR REDHEADS!
(But still not mermaids)

Hedwig Recap

Lately in my theatre life, I'm on the lookout for things that are new (specifically, new to ME)  -- but more on that later.

Filed in this "new" category was Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  Hedwig is a fantastic show; I've known the soundtrack by heart for years.  The director of this current production wanted the show to be as interactive as possible, including but not limited to:  having the theatre's bar practically on the stage.  Hedwig runs 90+ minutes with no intermission, so there's not a good place for people to get drinks.  Plus, the setting of Hedwig is a dive bar, so the director decided he wanted to have a bartender "in character," so to speak, for the run of the show.  Enter Leonard.

It's been a lot of fun and a lot of work.  My bartending instincts are all about the work:  go, go, go!  Pour those drinks, get that cash, who's next in line? Move along, people, I ain't got all night!  The director said I could be a surly and rude bartender, so basically this was just me.  Bartending.  Exactly how I was when I was a bartender (my Unit can attest).

My actor instincts were at war with the bartending ones:  STFU, people, Hedwig is acting!  Why are you so loud during this intense, quiet part of the show??  Fuck, ice cubes are loud!  Get out of my way, patrons, I have to do acting things right now.

So yeah, a lot of work, especially on sold-out nights.  And trying to explain what I do in this show since I'm not in this show is also a treat.  But one of my favorite things, other than enjoying the rocking performances each night (whilst slinging drinks), has been the random shit people have said or done during this very unique show each night.  So here are The Hedwig Diaries:

The six people each night who ask "Is that supposed to be smoking?"  (The smoke machine is built into the bar; Leonard gets to push the button during "Angry Inch" each night.)  First I tried being polite:  "Yes, but thank you for noticing."
Then I started to get annoyed:  "Yes.  It's fine.  It's supposed to do that."
And finally, sassy:  "Something's smoking?  Oh, it's just me."

Patron (trying to find a seat before the show):  "Has anyone said yet that you're distracting?"
Me (with a shit-eating grin):  "Only in the best possible way."

Patron (after the show):  "You were great!  I could tell you were a woman from the beginning."
Me:  "Thank you...?"

Patron ordering a drink:  "I want a screwdriver.  Don't forget the screw!"
Me (after pouring drink):  "A screwdriver with extra screw," and I flipped him off while handing him his drink.

Patron ordering a drink:  "Do you have any fruit?"
Me:  "There's tons of fruit here.  Look around.  For drinks, though, I only have lime."

Drunk Patron in the lobby (with show still happening): "Oh, Firecrotch¹, you're awesome!"
Me:  "Thank you."
Drunk Patron:  "This is so much fun!  Are you always with them?"
Me;  "I do work often with this theatre, yes."
DP:  "No, but I mean, do you travel around with Hedwig and the band and stuff?"
Me:  (beat)  "They're all local actors who auditioned for this show and were cast."
DP:  "You mean this isn't a traveling show??"
Me:  "No, we're all local."
DP:  "Oh wow!  I'm a bit drunk."
Me:  "I know."
DP:  "And I love you!"  (hugs me and stumbles back to her seat)

It was one for the record books, doing everything from pouring drinks, headbanging to "Angry Inch," catching flying shoes, and trying not to ruin my make-up during "Midnight Radio."
No, YOU'RE crying!

I'm sorry if you missed it.

¹What Hedwig deigned to call me. Yes, really.

NPH as Hedwig performing "Surgar Daddy"
(At the 2014 Tonys, not Leonard's production)

Regarding Henry

Hardcore Henry opened this weekend.  I saw the preview for it when I went to see Deadpool not too long ago.  And while I've not seen the movie (and probably won't), I have thoughts to share just based on the preview.

The concept itself is intriguing; the film is billed as a "first-person action film," and I think we often forget in film what "first person" really means.  Even in some novels-turned-films, the first person narrative ends up being one of limited third person in the film treatment (see The Hunger Games trilogy of books/films for a recent example).  So a film really and truly shot from the first person perspective is kind of new or, at the very least, unusual.

Her eyes are UP HERE, Handsy-Man.

The trivia for Hardcore Henry says it was "nearly" shot entirely on GoPro Hero3 Black Edition cameras, so it truly is first-person.  You, the audience, are seeing things from Henry's perspective -- and that's a very limited perspective.  Unless the character is looking into a mirror (which he sometimes does), we (the audience) do not even know what he looks like.  We see his hands, his feet, and the various objects and body parts that go flying by.  Hardcore Henry appears to be the film version of any first-person shooter video game out there  (Halo, Left 4 Dead, Fallout, even Skyrim, etc.).  So, in theory, we know how it should look and feel.  In theory.

But here's why it doesn't (or probably won't) work:  it's too much for we weak humans to handle.  Our eyes (and brains) cannot keep up at that speed.  We cannot register the movement; it all becomes a blur.  There is a reason fight and stunt choreography for film happens at a (slightly) slower pace than real movements:  because we cannot see it¹.  In that same vein, film shot and edited from a more third person perspective allow the viewers to see all of the action and at a pace our tiny brains can register.

While all of Henry's action may be happening in real-time or at least from a perspective that looks and feels like real-time, I have my doubts that it will make for a satisfying audience experience (that doesn't end in nausea, or worse).  I find the concept intriguing since, as I said before, we rarely (if ever) get true "first person" in film, but just because something is "new" or "never done before" doesn't necessarily make it "good."  It makes it a gimmick.  And it's definitely "gimmicky" if the piece of art itself has nothing else in its favor (for a film, things like:  an interesting plot, characters who are not flat, well-written dialogue, etc.).

So far, my predictions for the film seem to have come true.  And being the feminist I am, I giggled at this unfavorable review:

"This movie doesn't just whiff on the Bechdel test; it bubbles in a picture of a penis on the Scantron and high-fives itself on the way out."

Now if the Henry producers could make something like this with a decent plot, characters, dialogue and maybe slightly less (nausea-inducing) action, that could really be something.  In the meantime, we'll have to satisfy those urges elsewhere.

I will PUNCH THIS DOOR if I have to!

¹I would add that contemporary films are starting to move even "too fast" now.  Compare something like Tim Burton's Batman to Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins.  The action of Burton's film is almost laughable compared to Nolan's (granted, Burton was going for a more comic book feel than Nolan's dark and gritty take, but still).  And I use that as a specific comparison because I've worked the fight choreographer from Batman Begins; I've learned some of those sequences.  And even then, he taught us how to slow down a bit so both the film and human eye can follow; even at that speed, the film itself is sometimes "too fast" (for me at least) to keep up.

STND by NYX

Dear Nyx:

I received your "Liquid Suede Cream Lipstick" last month via ipsy.  And holy fluorescent lips, Batman!  You must have named the shade "Pink Lust" because "Neon Highlighter Pink" just didn't have the same ring to it.  As I stated in my original review, even I (as an actor) have no use for NEON FUCKING PINK lipstick.

And then I thought Maybe I should try it in case I like the formula?  They do have other shades available.  So I did.  And it was still FUCKING NEON.  The "liquid suede cream" did feel nice, though, so I put another, much darker shade of lipstick over it.  The two made an interesting combination, and I went about my business as punk-rock-bartender for a show.

I was, at first, pleasantly surprised when the show was over, and I hadn't eaten off all of my lipstick.  Cool!  Then I got home and washed off my make-up before bed.  Or at least, tried to.  My lips were still bright pink, despite practically scrubbing them raw.

The next morning my lips were still stained pink.  In total, it took sixteen hours, washing my face three times with three different cleansers, and then exfoliating my fucking lips before I was able to remove 99.9% of the hot pink remnants.

I like a comfortable, long-lasting lipstick as much as the next person, but I cannot foresee an instance where I need my lip color to last for almost twenty-four hours.  Needless to say, I will not be purchasing any "liquid suede" in the future, no matter the shade.

Before the Lip Stain Incident of 2016, Leonard had considered giving this one to a drag queen friend (maybe she has use for such a color?), but even I'm not that mean.  I will, however, hold onto it in case all of my highlighters mysteriously dry up the next time I need to mark my lines in a script.  Or I need to write something down that I don't want to ever fucking fade away EVER.

Actual color, but not Leonard's actual lips.