Bet you didn't know I bought and then returned and got something else for you. Maybe even three times. Because I thought THAT thing would be the best thing. Once I even drove over to [a store] from [our duplex in a completely different area] to get in on the best price and while they still had one (whatever it was). Did I say it was 12:00 at night? This was the year stores started to be open 24 hours. Fortunately, you were still sleeping when I got home.
Ahh, the good ol' days of the 1980s. Sometimes I'm amazed my siblings and I survived at all. But she was right; I did not know that.
My Unit and I were having an ongoing conversation regarding closing doors. She had mentioned the other night that the closet door was continually ajar when she'd use the bathroom in the morning; meaning, that I had not quite closed the door the entire way (which is entirely possible). I made a mental note of it, but apparently was still not completely closing the door because yesterday evening she mentioned it again. I didn't even remember using the bathroom closet, let alone not quite closing the door.
My Unit brought up the fact that I don't quite close the bathroom door (completely) either (also true). It's often ajar because otherwise our animals will bang on the outside of it, desperately trying to save me from the shower, the bathtub, or the need to poop. Please keep in mind that all of these conversations were light-hearted on my Unit's end and really no big deal, but suddenly it all came rushing back: the hallway in the house on Tompkins Drive.
Apparently I've always had an issue closing doors "properly," as I informed my Unit. I demonstrated on our bathroom door, pulling it closed until it clicked. "This way is apparently 'too loud,'" I explained. Because my psychotic step-mother once punished me by making me close all the doors up and down that hallway by turning the handle, then gently pulling the doors closed (still making sure they [quietly] clicked) because I just pulled them closed. And that was wrong. And "too loud."
Once I had closed all of the doors "properly" I had to go open them all again in order to repeat the process until I "got it right." That hallway had doors to:
the bathroom
the linen closet
the master bedroom
my bedroom
my brother's bedroom
my sister's bedroom
That's six doors. Approximately 20 feet, one-way. Six doors closed and opened and closed and opened and closed ("the right way"), lather rinse repeat, I don't know how many times. Three? Ten? 40 feet "round-trip." And I was probably all of 8 or 9 at the time.
And then there was the time I ran down that same hallway to my bedroom at the end, desperately hoping to outrun said psychotic stepmonster who was coming to spank me. I got to my room, slammed the door, and looked around, panicked, wishing I was big enough and strong enough to push furniture in front of the door. She found me anyway and spanked me so hard I peed on myself, while crying. Age 10? 11?
Or the time -- maybe it was the same time? -- she chased me up the same hallway, calling me "a little bitch."
I just tried dry shampoo for the first time yesterday. Where have you been all my life?? Why did I wait so long to try you?? Actually, I can answer that last question.
Ever since my stylist mentioned dry shampoo (like five years ago), I've had the notion in my head that it was akin to dumping a box of corn starch on your head: powdery, messy, and ultimately not worth the bother. And I've had that thought until just last week when I saw a rather hilarious commercial:
As you can see (and hear), it mentions dry shampoo and shows women using -- wait, what's that? An aerosol can?? I needed to rethink my whole stance on dry shampoo because let's face it: I don't wash my hair everyday.
Maybe I should have warned you before dropping that bomb.
But I don't. Many of us don't. In fact, you shouldn't. Washing your hair everyday is hard on it and can strip it of the natural oils it needs to be healthy, but sometimes those oils get out of control and your hair looks wet even when it's not (ew). Dry shampoo is perfect for that. Or for mornings when you don't have time to shower and simply take a whore's bath (sponging yourself off and/or using a "wipe" of some kind) instead. Don't lie. You know you've done it.
Yesterday when running errands, I added "dry shampoo" to my list (yes, I use a list). But what kind? What brand? Trying new things is scary! Only one of my go-to, recognizable brands had a dry shampoo, which I nearly bought. But another -- a brand I had never heard of -- had their bottles tagged with "UK's #1 dry shampoo" in several different scents. Like a total redneck, I took off the cap in the store and sprayed just a tiny bit so I could smell it. Not bad! And I bought it.
I used it later in the day at home, a sort of test run before going in public with this. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday, so it was a good day to try.
Results: It's still powdery. In fact, it's still a powder (which makes sense when trying to absorb oils...because science!). But it's an aerated powder -- aerated? Aereolized? That sounds like something you do to become a redheaded mermaid with nipples. It's in a spray can, goddammit.
Mermaids are not in the market for dry shampoos.
As such, they're not kidding when they say to hold the can 12" away from your hair and to also brush your hair when done to get rid of any excess. I did both, and I still may have overdone it a little. But it was miraculous! Suddenly, you wouldn't have guessed I hadn't washed my hair in more than 48 hours!
And the scent! The bottle said "cherry," but it doesn't smell like an actual cherry so much as it smells like a toy from 1980s that was supposed to be cherry-scented. Something in my childhood smelled just like this (not necessarily a bad thing). I kept sniffing my hair because I enjoyed it so.
Batiste Dry Shampoo in Cherry
The cons: If you're not careful, it will look like you dumped some cornstarch or baby powder on your roots because of the powder. And wow, it really makes my gray hairs stand out adds to your highlights! And if you run your fingers through your hair too many times, they will feel all powdery, too. Clearly, this is not for everyday use, but I may be hooked. If you catch me sniffing my hair, you can bet it was a dry shampoo day.
News Flash: Just now, while looking for images, it appears they make a dry shampoo with "a touch of color" for redheads!!! We may be on to something here, folks.
