Twilight Terror/Between Dog & Wolf

 I am afraid of the not-dark.

I have long struggled with anxiety around a certain time of day.  It took me many years to even realize it was happening, that there was a sort of pattern; I just thought I didn't like running errands in the late afternoon.

Which brings up another reason why it was hard to pin down:  it's not just the late afternoon.  It's not a time period as in "4 to 6 p.m.," but it's close.  Maybe it's better if I try to describe it by season.

In the winter:  it is late afternoonish, but the sun is still out.  In fact, it glints off the snow in such a way that the reflections seems to hit you directly in the third eye, causing an instant (stabbing) headache.  It's freezing outside, so you're wearing your winter gear, but you are also too hot:  sweating and stuffy inside your layers, both too cold and too hot.  The sun in too bright; the snow is too bright.  And no matter which direction you're headed in traffic, it's always rush hour, and it all hits you directly in the face.

In the summer and fall:  the sun is orange and of course it's hot.  You're stuck in your car for hours, but it never seems to cool off, despite the A/C.  This is the one that really gets me; I can't explain the terror, the throat-closing, dry-mouth-swallowing that accompanies the orange sky.

And you're probably saying to yourself, "That doesn't seem like anxiety.  That sounds like headaches and road rage and your body trying to regulate its temperature."  And you're not wrong.  These are all physical manifestations associated with my twilight terror.

But it's not just when I'm out and about between 2 and 4 or 4 and 6 (depending on the season).

I could be home in my climate-controlled penthouse, and I can still feel the anxiety crawl up my throat like bile.  I will close the curtains to get rid of those headache-inducing slants of sunlight, no matter the season, no matter if they're white or orange.

I will wander aimlessly across the three or four rooms, unsure of what to do with myself.  It doesn't feel "safe" (whatever that means) to sit for too long or to try to start (or work on) a project.  I can't focus; I won't let myself focus lest I stop paying attention to everything else.

For a while (several years or months), I thought I figured it out:  I usually had to be at rehearsal in the evening.  So those few hours in between work and other work (the theatre) were all I had to transition between.  Time for driving, changing clothes, eating food, saying hi and bye to the spouse, then leaving again.

Right?  That must be it.

And even though I like rehearsal (90% of the time; the experiences that make up the 10% are stories for another book), it is still hard to extract myself from home and leave out into the world again.  But it makes sense that I would feel unsettled; can't fully relax when you have to get up and go again.  Can't immerse yourself in another activity lest you lose track of time and end up late (my anxiety over being late is another entry entirely).

Except.

Except...it happens when there is no rehearsal.  It happens when there is absolutely nothing on the calendar (like during a pandemic).  I have to remind myself to breathe.  I have to literally tell myself that's there's nowhere I have to be.  But I still can't settle.  I am still nervous inside my own skin.

And I'm pretty sure I've always disliked this time of day/late afternoon/early evening, long before the days of rehearsals or dinners or evening plans.  Even as far back as 7 p.m. bedtimes and blankies and footie pajamas.

So the other day I watched In & Of Itself on Hulu.  I do recommend watching it; although, I don't want to overhype it (like I feel was done to me).  Many people say it's "indescribable."  I think it's more accurate to say it's difficult to categorize.  If there's a place where theatre, illusion, performance art, and therapy all intersect, In & Of Itself lives there.

The following is NOT a spoiler.

During his one-man show, Derek DelGaudio says there is a certain time of day, when the sun is at a certain point in the horizon, that used to be called "the time between dog and wolf."  The phrase means, because of the direction of the sun, you can't tell the difference between a dog and a wolf (or a friend and an enemy).  And that struck a deep chord within me.  The "golden hour" as DelGaudio said photographers call it (although it's about two hours) sounded exactly like my twilight terror.

And I then wondered that perhaps "my" anxiety isn't "me" at all.  Maybe there's not some triggering event in my past (that I've conveniently forgotten) to explain my daily dread.

Maybe, just maybe, it's something deeper, more primal, than that.  The recognition I felt listening to DelGaudio describe the time between dog and wolf certainly felt primal, almost visceral.  Maybe it's some kind of genetic memory related to the time between dog and wolf.  Some remaining piece of collective memory passed down that says, "This time is dangerous; be careful.  Be on your guard."  Some small piece of genetic material that doesn't know it's the 21st century and is still trying to propel my body to safety by telling my brain to be on high alert until the sunlight changes.

And that's a fascinating idea.  Not only is it fascinating, but it takes the burden off of me.  It isn't "my" anxiety because it's not anxiety at all but a relic of human beings long ago.  It was normal and meant to keep them safe.  Mine is just working overtime by a couple of centuries. Or a few millennia.

InstaPot Beef Stew Recipe

 I got a new recipe for ya!  Well, a version of an existing recipe; I cannot take full credit (hell, I can't even take half credit).  This is what I did with The Salty Marshmallow's Best Ever Instant Pot Beef Stew.  The Salty Marshmallow says explicitly in her recipe that it makes "exactly four servings."  As I'm trying to feed 3 adults for at least two meals (one dinner, one set of leftovers), that wasn't going to work.  So I decided to double the recipe.

But when the Muppet Man came back from the store, he had purchased 2 lbs. of stew meat instead of 3 lbs.  And then I realized that I had only asked for 1 can of tomato sauce instead of two.  But then I also realized that the original recipe said "one 10 oz. can of tomato sauce," and we had one can of 15 ounces.  (dramatic sound cue)  Long story short (too late!), I ended up making 1.5x the original recipe, and it's a good thing, too!  A fully doubled recipe will not fit into a standard 6-quart InstaPot.  I was right at the line for pressure cooking as it was.

So here's what I used/did:

1.5 Recipe of Best Ever Instant Pot Beef Stew

• 2 lbs. beef stew meat
• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• 1.5 tsp of salt
• 1.5 tsp of pepper*
• 1.5 tsp of Italian seasoning
• 3 tbsp. of Worcestershire sauce
• 4-5 cloves of garlic, pressed
• 2 small onions (conversely, you could use 1.5 large onions)
• Approximately 1 pound of carrots, peeled and sliced (let's be honest: I wasn't really measuring the veggies at this point, and for that I apologize)
• Approximately 4 (maybe 5?) golden potatoes, cubed  (again, I'm sorry)
• 2 celery stalks, sliced
• 4 cups beef broth
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 15 oz. can of tomato sauce
• 2 tbsp. cornstarch
• 2 tbsp. cold water

Directions:

1. Put 2 tbsp. of olive into the InstaPot and turn on the Sauté function.
2. When oil is hot, add the garlic and onions and sauté for 1-2 minutes.
3. Then add the 2 lbs. beef stew meat to attempt to sear the beef.  I say "attempt" because the beef won't all be on the bottom of the pot at the same time; you'll need to stir.
• Add the salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning right after you add the beef.
• Continue to sauté/sear (whilst stirring) for approximately 5 minutes.
4. Turn off the Sauté setting.
5. Add 4 cups of beef broth to the pot, and use a wooden spoon (or your preferred implement) to scrap up any browned bits from the pot (basically, deglaze).
6. Add the carrots, potatoes, celery, tomato sauce, and bay leaf to the pot and give it another stir or two for good measure.
7. Close the InstaPot lid use the Pressure Cook setting for 35 minutes.
8. Allow pressure to naturally release for 10 minutes before pressing the Quick Release button.
9. Be careful when you take off the lid!  The liquid will be boiling.
10. Mix together the cornstarch and cold water (make a slurry) then add to the still-hot stew to slightly thicken.
11. Remove the bay leaf at any time.
12. Eat the yumminess.

*My sister claims (and I partially agree) that this was very "peppery."  Next time, I may only use 1 tsp. of ground black pepper, perhaps less.

We didn't have any at the time, but I bet some biscuits would go great with this stew.

Kitty Biscuit Print by Kim Parkurst via Etsy

Chicken Pot Pie Soup Recipe

 It is exactly like it sounds, friends:  chicken pot pie, but in soup form.  The original recipe is from Six Clever Sisters and includes a recipe for adorable looking "Flaky Pie Crust Leaves" which I absolutely did not make because I'm lazy.  I "made" some Pillsbury Grands biscuits instead.  Her (their?) recipe is below, with my edits & notes in italicized bold.

Word of caution:  this is not a recipe for when you're in a hurry.  I think from start to finish, including cooking (and "cubing") the chicken breasts to scooping the soup into my bowl, this took me about two hours.  But I had plenty of time.

You Will Need:

• 3 12 oz. packages of frozen mixed vegetables (I used 2 16 oz. packages because math.)
• 2/3 cup margarine (I used butter; does anyone use margarine anymore?)
• 2/3 cup flour
• 1 cup diced onion
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. black pepper
• 1/2 tsp. Herbs de Provence
• 1/2 tsp. dried parsley
• 4 cups chicken broth
• 3 cups milk
• 1 1/2 lbs. boneless skinless cooked chicken breast, cubed (I used 3 breasts because who has a scale to measure?  Approximately three cups' worth.  I cooked them from frozen in the InstaPot with some salt and pepper and poultry seasoning.  If your cooked chicken is unseasoned, you might add 1 tsp. poultry seasoning to the soup itself.)
• 3 tbsp. cornstarch (I only used 1 tbsp.  More on that later.)

Instructions:

1. Rinse frozen vegetables in cold water to separate; drain.
2. Melt margarine in large “soup pan” over medium heat. (This is a one pot recipe, so make sure your pot will be able to hold 10 cups of soup).
• I worried about this note from Six Clever Sisters, so I used the Googles and did some math.  If you have a six-quart stock pot/soup pan, you'll be fine; six liquid quarts equals 24 US cups.)
3. Stir in flour, onion, salt, and pepper. Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly; remove from heat.
• (How can a mixture that is pretty much a paste -- the beginnings of a roux [equal parts flour and melted butter] -- get "bubbly"?  It doesn't, not like a liquid would. I kept stirring until it was sort of bubbly/sizzly from the heat on the bottom, then continued on.)
4. Stir in broth and milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. 
• (I think I should have turned up the heat to medium high here, and this part wouldn't have taken quite so long.)
5. Boil and stir 1-2 minutes, until thickened. Stir in chicken and vegetables. Simmer until mixture starts to boil.
• (This is where I tasted it and decided I wanted a tad more seasoning, so I add the 1/2 teaspoons each of Herbs de Provence and parsley, and I don't regret it.  A person could maybe even do a full teaspoon of each.)
6. Mix cornstarch with a little cold water until blended. Slowly add to soup while stirring. Boil until desired thickness is achieved. (For a thinner soup, use less cornstarch; for a thicker soup, use a little more.)
• (My soup was plenty thick for my taste at this time, so I only used 1 tbsp. of cornstarch with some water and stirred it in.  Also, the soup will continue to thicken a bit as it cooks in the next step.  And your leftovers the next day will be SUPER thick when you go to reheat, FYI).
7. Reduce heat to low-medium and let cook for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. 
• (This is where I turned on my oven for the Pillsbury rolls and baked them; the timing was almost spot-on, if I do say so myself.)
8. Optional: Add 1/4-1/2 cup half and half for extra creaminess.  (I didn't do this.)

We ate it with the biscuits, and it was fucking delicious.  The Muppet Man even mentioned something about wanting to "put a ring on it" if I continue to make this soup.  Eat and enjoy.  Your stomach will thank me, even if your waistline won't.

No kittehs were involved in this recipe.

Chicken Tortilla Soup Recipe

 OMG YOU GUYS!  I made chicken tortilla soup last night for the first time EVER, and it was fucking delicious!  This is a big deal for me; however, I refuse to become one of those food bloggers where you have to read their whole damn life story before getting to the recipe.  So recipe first!  I'll write separately about my cooking baggage.

This is a combination of these two recipes:  Delish's "Best Instant Pot Chicken Tortilla Soup" and Spend With Pennies' Chicken Tortilla Soup.  Comments on the former said it was too watery and bland, but I wanted to use my new InstaPot, so I combined the best parts of both (and I don't like improvising!).  If you don't have an InstaPot, I would just follow Spend With Pennies' recipe; I imagine you'll get a similarly delicious result.  So here we go.

You'll need:

• 2 large chicken breasts, thawed
• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• 2 bell peppers, chopped
• 1 poblano pepper, chopped
• 1 onion, chopped
• 3 cloves of garlic, minced
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 tsp. chili powder
• 1 tsp. oregano
• Salt & Pepper to taste
• 3 cups chicken broth
• 1 (14 oz.) can of crushed or diced tomatoes
• 1 can of diced tomatoes with chilis (like Rotel)
• 1 (14 oz.) can of black beans, drained
• 1 cup corn, drained if canned (I had a small can and used the whole thing, didn't measure)
• Juice from one lime
• 1/4 cup cilantro, chopped

Optional for garnish/serving:

• Tortilla strips -- both of the recipes above include instructions on how to make your own crispy tortilla strips (one baked, one fried). You can also use tortilla chips.  We happen to love these chili lime tortilla strips made by Texas Toast (they're also excellent on salads).
• 1 avocado, sliced (I didn't do this)
• Additional cilantro (I didn't do this)
• Shredded Monterey Jack cheese (I didn't do this)

Instructions:

1. Turn InstaPot to Saute setting and heat the 2 tbsp. of olive oil.  When oil is hot (shimmering), add all peppers and onions.  Saute until veggies start to soften (5 minutes), stirring occasionally.
2. While onions and peppers are cooking, generously salt & pepper your chicken breasts.  Also make sure your canned items are opened, drained where necessary.
3. After 5 minutes of sauteing, stir in the garlic, oregano, cumin, and chili powder.
4. Add the salt & peppered chicken breasts to the pot.
5. Add these ingredients to the pot:  chicken broth, lime juice, both cans of tomatoes, black beans, and corn.
6. Close lid and set InstaPot to Soup setting; set the timer for 7 minutes.
7. When the InstaPot cooking has completed AND the air has been naturally released (don't use the quick release option), open the lid (carefully) and, using tongs, remove the two chicken breasts onto a plate or cutting board.  Shred the chicken (using two forks, or a fork and knife, or this weirdly efficient way using an electric mixer).
8. Stir shredded chicken and 1/4 cup cilantro back into the soup pot.
9. Serve!  Eat!  Enjoy!

I will be eating some of my leftovers today for lunch.  If you want some additional texture, you can stir cooked rice into your bowl with the soup (the Muppet Man did and greatly enjoyed it).

Letter to My Family

 This email has already been sent, but I want to record this for posterity.

Hello family!

I have a favor to ask of you.  I try not to get into "political discussions" with y'all as it's too upsetting, but now I have to ask for a favor.

If you plan on voting for the person currently in the Oval Office, whether for the first or second time, come November, please, please, please, do me a favor and delete my contact info from all of your sources.  I can no longer in good conscience remain in contact with people who vote to actively hurt me.

I won't be entertaining replies to this email, as I have no desire to discuss my humanity as some "political debate."  As I said to my father (one of the last things I said to him, actually), these are not abstract political ideas that I have the privilege of debating at a distance; they are very real, concrete items that affect and impact my everyday life.

I'm also not trying to change anyone's mind as I imagine we've all pretty much decided what we're going to do.  If you're unable to see the irreparable harm being done to me and the hundreds of thousands of people just like me -- women, women with uteruses, women who've been sexually assaulted, LGBTQ people -- then it's just willful ignorance at this point, and nothing I say will make a difference.

If you're not planning on voting for the person currently occupying the Oval Office, whether for the first or second time, THANK YOU!  And I'll see you on the other side of this election.

To everyone else, thank you in advance for doing me this favor.  And bonne chance in this dystopian hellscape you've helped to create.

Your daughter/niece/cousin/token feminist and queer person,

Only my mother has replied (even though it said I won't be entertaining replies) because she often feels like rules don't apply to her.  Her first response was to say "very nicely worded."  And her second was to tell me that "voting is a private matter" and that I "need to toughen up more."

In other news, no need to drive up to Iowa for Christmas.  Or ever. 

The Address (Book Review)

The Address by Fiona Davis
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

While The Lions of Fifth Avenue has the better title, The Address may have the better plot. While I definitely appreciated all of the facts about the New York City Public Library in the former, I was often distracted by what I felt were inconsistencies in the historical settings; by contrast, The Address doesn't seem to offer up nearly as many factoids, but the timelines are spot on.

One may consider Davis' novels to be a bit formulaic: two women on two different ends of history, one (real) historic building connecting them, with a mystery across decades/centuries to solve. So far, though, the mysteries are not the same, and The Address provided some extra twists that I did not anticipate. And everyone knows it's the above formula that counts, it's the "how" -- how we get there, how the stories connect, etc. Davis seems to have that aspect well in hand.

As with Lions, The Address has an undercurrent of (much appreciated and respected) feminism throughout, much subtler, actually. And she deals with classism as well.
I also like that her main characters are well-rounded. 

**SPOILER**

When we get to the final reveal, our villain isn't a villain with one huge deep dark secret that drops like a bomb; it's a series of "smaller" items that add up to make him not the person we thought he was. I don't think he's 100% bad in way that would seem cliche or stereotypical; that might feel anticlimactic to readers, but I appreciate the nuance.

This novel doesn't exactly have a happy ending; it's far more tragic than The Lions of Fifth Avenue, in my opinion.

I've borrowed Davis' other novels from my local library, and at least one of them does not deal with two women on opposite ends of the century; it will be interesting to see how Davis deals with the shorter timeline(s).

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The Lions of Fifth Avenue (Book Review)

The Lions of Fifth Avenue by Fiona Davis
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

If you enjoyed A Gentleman in Moscow , you may well enjoy this book as well, with its strong sense of place, both historically and physically with the main building involved. In many ways, The Lions of Fifth Avenue is what I wanted Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch to be: pieces of historical fiction with an art mystery at the center (and no whiny white boy with mommy issues just making the same mistakes over and over again -- can you tell I did not care for The Goldfinch?).

Fiona Davis does extensive research on the buildings in which she places her research, and it shows. I continue to say it's the mark of a good piece of historical fiction when I want to do more research afterward, to see what's "true" and what isn't, to learn about the subject matter. And Davis has done that here; I know more about the New York Public Library than just that it's featured in Ghostbusters, and now I really want to visit it if I ever get back to New York again.

My quibbles are just that --small and probably trivial, but here are they are nonetheless:

**CONTAINS SPOILERS**

• I nearly wanted it to be longer as I finished it in a day.
• I sometimes questioned the math regarding the ages and relationships of our two main women, Laura Lyons and Sadie Donovan. I would have expected at least one more generation in between them. If Sadie is 43 during the "present day" (1993) pieces, that means she was born in 1950. So why does she wear vintage 1950s things when those are the very fashions she grew up with? That would be like me wearing 1980s stuff now, which doesn't seem far enough removed to be "vintage" or "retro," just odd.
• And her brother Lonnie is roughly 10 years older than she is, making him born in 1940 (and a 53-year-old father of a six-year-old girl, still pretty unusual in the 1990s), making their mother (Pearl, age 7 in 1913) 34 when she had Lonnie and 44 when she had Sadie -- that seems a bit of a stretch, especially for a woman in 1940s America.
• Davis may have been better suited to place Sadie & Lonnie about ten years later in time, inserting another generation between the families. I can see why she chose 1993, though, as she doesn't have to deal with the technology of mobile phones, social media, etc., which can make mystery-writing infinitely more complicated.
• Even though I said I nearly wanted the book itself longer, the ending/wrap-ups seemed too long. We like to have things wrapped up, and yes, we wanted to know the specific connection of Robin to the family, but that entire section seemed too long. It was a lot of exposition, particularly about Harry, and I don't think we needed that much detail. We wanted to know the connection, but why he stayed away, etc. -- we could have easily filled in the blanks ourselves. So much guilt and cowardice at the end didn't really benefit anyone, audience or characters. I also found the sentencing at the trial to be a bit sanctimonious and heavy-handed.

I'm pleased to discover that Davis has other similar historical books with mysteries at the center of them, and I'm looking forward to reading them.

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