I made a copy of this mix for my two co-workers, but I thought I'd share it with the masses as well.
Please note: Leonard has nothing against Valentine's Day in theory. As I've grown older, it means less to me, especially as my Unit and I typically typically have work, a show, a blizzard, etc. on February 14th. So it's not a big deal for us. If you like it, great! If you don't, don't get hung up on it. There is no need to feel bad on a made-up holiday. But Ludo's "Love Me Dead" inspired me to make this somewhat ironic list. It has changed over time. Here's the most recent incarnation:
A friend turned me onto the trend #FeministXmasSongs on Twitter. Leonard is rarely on Twitter, though, so instead we posted several to Facebook over the Christmas holiday. By request, I have compiled them here. Please note, these are not in the original order posted, rather by popularity (using Facebook's oh-so-scientific system of "likes").
#10 "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town"
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He doesn't respect the boundaries you've set,
So, girl, get a restraining order.
You don't owe him anything, no matter how many dates you've been on.
#9 "O Holy Night"
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother --
And our sister!
Women can be slaves, too, y'know.
And in His name all oppression shall cease -- black lives matter!
But please leave your (straight) white (male) savior complex at home.
#8 "I Saw Mommy Kissin' Santa Claus"
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Because I'm a creepy little kid
With an Oedipus complex.
#7 "Frosty the Snowman"
Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly, happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal
Frosty the Snowperson
Is a gender neutral character
Because a pipe and coal doesn't make one a "man."
#6 "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
God rest ye merry gentlemen --
Seriously?!??
#5 "Santa, Baby"
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing -- a ring.
I don't mean on the phone;
You can just text me
Because I know my worth isn't dependent upon the monetary value of "gifts."
#4 "Santa, Baby" again
Think of all the fun I've missed;
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed;
Because the patriarchy shames women who have a healthy sex life.
Next year I could be just as good,
Since we're only rewarding women who claim to be virgins.
#3 "Silver Bells"
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks.
Dressed in holiday style
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas
Children laughing,
People passing,
Meeting smile after smile
People smiling because they want to,
Not because someone insisted they do so.
It's just a smile, not an invitation for harassment, Mr. Street-Shopper!
My public person is not for you to comment upon.
#2 "Walking in a Winter Wonderland"
In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say, "Are you married?"
We'll say, "That's really none of your business; we're two consenting adults."
#1 (and Leonard's personal favorite) "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa,
We know that Western literary tradition punishes women who show independence.
Honorable Mentions:
Several of Leonard's friends joined the movement as well. Here are their contributions (reposted with permission).
Serena "In the Bleak Midwinter"
What can I give him? Poor as I am? anything I want because consent is like tea! Seriously, if someone said they didn't want tea, you wouldn't make em drink tea! Give me heart, if I want to! It's up to me!!!
Liz "Little Drummer Boy"
Come they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum
A new-born king to see,
Or not, which is totally fine,
Because consent is important,
Especially when you're teaching
Kids that they have agency over
Their own bodies. And forcing them
To feign affection in order to avoid
Hurting someone's feeling is
Participating in rape culture.
Jamie "Carol of the Bells"
Hark! How the bells, sweet silver bells
All seem to say, "Throw cares away."
Christmas is here, bringing good cheer or not, because it's ok to feel however you want to feel, you don't have to smile just to make others feel ok with you.
To young and old, meek and the bold, and also the middle aged because women don't have to be only young or old no mater what the Hollywood anti aging machine tells us about standards of beauty.
Ding, dong, ding, dong, that is their song.
Michael "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
- I really can't stay...
- Baby it's cold outside--so bundle up and have a pleasant evening.
(End of Song.)
Tess "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
I know dashers and dancers and prancers and vixens and none of them deserve to be judged by what society says they should be!
P.S. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" has received several requests. I know there has already been a "Honest" video about it (which I haven't watched yet). As it is a trifecta of date rape, guilt-trips, and slut-shaming, it deserves its own blog post (forthcoming).
This blog has been devoid of new posts for far too long. So, of course, Leonard is back with something to complain about. This time we turn our feminist analytic eye to Maroon 5.
The more I hear from you, Maroon 5, the less I like you. Yes, even you, Adam Levine. In fact, especially you, Adam Levine. There is, of course, the outrage over the video for the song "Animals," featuring Levine's real-life wife. As the article points out, the song already says some pretty disgusting things, like "I'm preyin' on you tonight." Not okay, Maroon 5! I'm not going to waste my time dissecting it; the linked HuffPost article already does a good job. This song has joined the ranks of "Blurred Lines" for me -- meaning I turn the station as soon as it comes on.
Instead, let's look at the "harmless" song "Sugar." And let us, for the time being, ignore that it is a rip off of Prince's "U Got the Look." Seriously. The first time I heard the song, I thought I was hearing a cover of a Prince song, just couldn't put my finger on which one.
Since that first hearing, I inevitably catch the song during its bridge of :
I want that red velvet
I want that sugar sweet
Don't let nobody touch it
Unless that somebody's me
I gotta be a man
There ain't no other way
So, before Leonard starts frothing at the mouth, let's take a look-see. "Sugar," of course, is a euphemism for specifically kisses, more generally loving actions/affection. Angela Landsbury even uses it in the 1961 Elvis Presley film Blue Hawaii -- in which she plays Elvis' mother. Let that sink in for a bit.
So Adam Levine1 wants our "sugar." Okay, fine. But our "red velvet"? He's not talking about the cake, ladies and gentlemen. "Velvet" is a euphemism for "vagina"; in fact, "tipping the velvet" means cunnilingus (see also: Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters). "Red velvet" is even more explicit as labia is generally pinkish colored.
So Adam Levine wants my vagina now. Alright, fine. BUT, here's the problem(s): "Don't let nobody touch it / Unless that somebody's me." Excuse me? You do not have agency over my body parts, Adam Levine; only I do. You do not get to say who gets to touch it. Saying "don't let nobody touch it" even excludes me from touching myself (and that's certainly not going to happen). IF I let someone else "touch it," that's my decision, whether it's the "you" (here Adam Levine) or someone else.
But wait, there's more!
"I gotta be a man / There ain't no other way"
So apparently Adam Levine's masculinity depends on his ability to touch and/or control my body? Don't look at me that way, readers. He said it! In fact, he just said that the ONLY way to "be a man" (whatever the fuck that means) is to have my body.
Masculinity is so many other things, and one person's ability to "feel" masculine (or feminine or whatever) is not up to some other person. Just as I have agency over my body, so do you have control over how you want to feel and/or explore your gender. Don't bring my red velvet labia into it.
In short, the song is gross, though possibly not as obviously offensive as "Animals." But to top it all off, the "official video" for the song shows Maroon 5 supposedly crashing wedding receptions and singing this song to newlyweds (straight newlyweds, I should add). Eww.
1In all fairness to Mr. Levine, a true rhetorical analysis would not confuse him, the singer, with the speaker of the song (thank you, New Criticism). We typically say "the speaker," just like when dealing with poetry. But it's funnier to say Adam Levine wants Leonard's vagina.
*I cannot take credit for that quote. C.E. said it, summing up our feelings.
Fall Out Boy had a new single playing on the radio, and I was puzzled over the lyrics. When C.E. was in the car, I subjected her to my rambling thoughts on the subject (I was driving; she had no choice but to listen or jump from a moving vehicle). She's younger than I am, so I thought maybe her hip and cool knowledge would have up-to-the-minute information that I wasn't privy to.
"Have you heard that new Fall Out Boy song? Is it about child abuse and molestation??" I asked. The lyrics said (I thought), "My sons know what you did in the dark."
I had visions of the members of Fall Out Boy writing about some horrible childhood tragedy or abuse they had suffered, and the protagonist of the song telling their own children about this monster so the pattern of abuse wouldn't be repeated. "Everyone knows what you did, creepy Uncle Bob. Even these children are (rightly) judging you." Then the chorus says, "So light 'em up," and I had further visions of turning on blazing metaphorical floodlights, lighting up the past -- no more secrets in the dark.
So C.E. whipped out her smart phone and looked up "Fall Out Boy lyrics." SPOILER ALERT: the song is not about child molestation.
The lyrics say (and the title of the song is): "My songs know what you did in the dark."
Uhh, what?
"Is this song about rape??" C.E. kept reading lyrics aloud:
"I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart
I'm in the details with the devil
So now the world can never get me on my level
I just gotta get you off the cage
I'm a young lover's rage
Gonna need a spark to ignite"
Cue C.E.: "What the fuck, Fall Out Boy??"
WTF, indeed. C.E. commented that she expected a full rhetorical analysis of these fucked up lyrics on her desk within a week. But I'm not analyzing these lyrics, other than to say it is possible to have too many metaphors. Metaphors need to work together, people, so your piece has some sort of coherent (but not necessarily obvious) meaning. We are not making spaghetti here; you cannot just throw every piece of imagery you have at the wall ("because it sounds cool") and hope it all sticks -- tada! A song is born.
Not quite.
But no. This piece is about the lost art of diction:
The words "song" and "son" should not sound the same. They are even spelled differently in the IPA: \ˈsȯŋ\ and \ˈsən\
Lack of diction in songs force my brain to try to figure out WTF they are singing, giving some strange interpretations to the lyrics, as outlined above -- usually giving the song's artist much more credit than they deserve.
Here are some other top contenders, in handy chart form:
Song
Artist
What
I Hear
What
They Said
Result
“Locked Out of Heaven”
Bruno Mars
“Your sex texts me to paradise”
“Your sex takes me to paradise”
Sexting to paradise is much less romantic, that’s for sure.
“Just Can’t Get Enough”
Black-Eyed Peas
“Can’t get enough / Wanna germ inside your love”
“Can’t get enough / Wanna jump inside your love”
Eww.I don’t even want to know
what “germ inside your love” would entail.
“Cups”
Anna Kendrick
“You’re gonna miss me by taco.”
“You’re gonna miss me by my talk – oh”
This is a good reason to switch these lyrics around to “You’re going
to miss me by my talk / you’re going to miss by my walk – oh” when singing the
song at karaoke.
Enunciation, good people! It's not just for breakfast anymore. Now go practice your tongue twisters and vocal warm-ups! Don't come back here until I can hear every "K" sound in the following:
"You know New York
You need New York
You know you need unique New York."
Curse you and your catchy song and your funky name! Really just the song; you can spell your name however you like. (Fun Fact: her given name is "Adele," but she didn't use it for her musical career for obvious reasons.)
Your song "Next to Me" is incredibly catchy. I find myself wanting to sing along, and then I actually listened to the lyrics, and found I was offended. Let's take a look-see:
You won’t find him drinking at the table Rolling dice and staying out ’til three You won’t ever find him be unfaithful You will find him, you’ll find him next to me
Wow, there's so much wrong with just that one stanza, I need to stop and take a breath before I start.
...
Okay, here goes.
Why should I care where your boyfriend goes??
It's very sloppy "logic" that a person who drinks and gambles is also going to be unfaithful.
It's also a false dichotomy that a person who is not unfaithful must then be attached to his girlfriend's hip 24/7.
This opening stanza is representative of the whole song. Sande lists the places you won't find her boyfriend, but insists you'll find him "next to" her. I find it rather offensive that, again, a significant other has to be "next to" their partner in order to be considered faithful. I also find it suspect that a person would feel the need to insist to everyone else that said partner is "next to" her all the time. Sounds a bit like the lady doth protest too much, y'know what I mean?
Oh sure, there are some lyrics about her losing her money and faith, and this nameless man (because, of course, it IS a man *coughheteronormativecough*) will still be next to her, but again, who cares? Why do you need to prove this to us, Emeli Sande?
Sadly, apparently a lot of people care. Facebook ads1 would lead us to believe that there are whole segments of the population looking for mates who are "faithful." Apparently there are so many unfaithful men out there, others feel the need to qualify their faithfulness. I at first read "faithful" (on said ads) as a mention of spirituality or religiousness, but I was mistaken. No, Facebook was truly asking if I wanted to meet "Single Black Faithful Men." No, Facebook, I don't. Clearly your algorithms aren't working correctly if you think that's where my tastes lie. And again, there's a lot wrong with that "ad" as well, but this post isn't about that.
So good for you (I guess), Emeli Sande. Facebook ads worked for you in finding a faithful mate! I still find it offensive, and I will protest your damn catchy song by not singing along. Not even a little bit. I may even change the station (though I make no promises).
