Reminder #1: If It Feels Awkward, It's Because It Is
Friendships shouldn't feel awkward. If you continually feel awkward around a person or get a "weird vibe" from them, a second glance should be taken at said friendship. Sometimes it can be hard because you'll tell yourself it's just in your imagination or even "Well, maybe s/he is just an awkward person." Listen to your gut. Even if the latter is true, you will eventually find a rhythm with that friend, and things won't be awkward.
Unless they are.
In which case, look for the patterns. Dammit, Leonard, you're an analyst by trade! You should have seen this sooner. But just like in my day job, sometimes it's hard to see the larger patterns at work when you're up close and personal with the data. Ya gotta back up a bit.
Patterns in no particular order include: walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting said person, the giving of unwanted gifts, randomly showing up to a person's appointments and things (unannounced), continually having to defend said friendship as not being inappropriate or "that way."
There's wearing your heart on your sleeve, and then there's obsession with people. And each obsession follows the same steps and same patterns above, lather rinse repeat. There's having a friend with whom you can talk and discuss things, and then there's using a person as your personal (verbal) punching bag. It took me five fucking years to realize this particular pattern and lesson, despite the awkwardness and despite my gut.
Reminder #2: If It Sounds Fishy, It Probably Is
Caution should be taken when entering into business arrangements of any kind -- even businesses with friends and acquaintances, even business ventures that don't require any money from you. I've realized that I tend to take most things at face value until proven otherwise. But when you keep asking for data, for answers, for things to be accomplished, for months at a time, and it's a continual delay and/or lip service, Leonard is out. I wouldn't put up with that during my day job or any of my other business dealings, why would I take it from an acquaintance?
And that's just it -- an acquaintance. I had to step back and realize "I've only known said individual for X number of months." Friends, those I've known for years, are deserving of some faith, some "benefit of the doubt"; they've earned some good will and a little free work (my time). But even after that time has passed, I would expect results from them.
People who I have known for less than a year, I need to start asking for proof up front. And sometimes when starting a project from the ground up, that "proof" won't be there. And that's okay; that just means that I'm not meant to be part of the "ground-up" team. Call me when you have data, answers, contact information, receipts, a functional website.
And again, look for the patterns: continual removing and/or replacing of people. The same or similar answers in response to "Where is this thing?" Walking on eggshells, uneven temperament, extreme reactions to nearly everything. None of those are ideal characteristics when trying to run a business, a foundation, or start a program from the ground up.
And frankly no one project is worth my feeling sick to my stomach every time I check my e-mail, wondering what fiasco, drama, or temper tantrum is awaiting.
And, as always, I need to listen to my gut. It hasn't been wrong yet.
Conclusion:
Some of this is on me. I don't consider myself a gullible person (but what gullible person does?). I'm a cynic, a skeptic, and an irritatingly rational person well-versed in the art of rhetoric. I need that healthy dose of skepticism at the start of a project (or friendship), not later, when I'm waiting to be proved wrong. A little less good will and a lot more "please provide your references." I need to speak up louder when I begin questioning things and when I disagree and to not feel bad about doing so.And, as always, I need to listen to my gut. It hasn't been wrong yet.
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| Comic by The Awkward Yeti |
