The Princess and the Pea: A Retelling

Once upon a time in a kingdom not very far from here, there was a Princess named Leonar Lenora.  One day, whilst going about her princess-y duties, Princess Lenora cried out in pain.
"Ow," she said.  "Owwwwww!"

Princess Lenora clutched at her princess-y midsection.  "What in the kingdom could be causing such pain here in my princess-y midsection and slightly to the left?" she asked of no one in particular.  When the pain subsided, she consulted the Interwebs her magic mirror.

"Oh magic mirror!" she typed asked, "What is located here in my princess-y midsection and slightly to the royal left which could be causing so much pain?"

The magic mirror replied that all princesses have an organ there -- two, actually, on the royal left and royal right -- about the size and shape of an almond.  "Occasionally," the mirror continued, "the almond can produce small peas which can cause some discomfort."

"But I'm allergic to almonds!" Princess Lenora cried.  "And I don't like peas."

"That's not really the point," said the mirror.  "Please focus."

Days passed, and Princess Lenora was still in royal pain.
"Ow!" she would cry when her almonds acted up.  "Owwwwwwwwwww!  How can one tiny pea cause so much discomfort?  I do not believe it is a pea.  It must be a grape!"

Weeks passed, and Princess Lenora would still clutch her princess-y midsection and cry out.
"Ow," she said.  "Owwwwwwwwww!  Peas and grapes do not cause this much pain.  There must be whole limes in there!"

The magic mirror promptly turned up a recipe for fruit salad.  Princess Lenora was not amused.

Months passed with Princess Lenora still crying out in pain.
"Ow," she said.  "Owwwwwwwww!  Grapefruits!  I must have grapefruits in there to be causing this much royal pain."

The over-the-counter berries she was consuming did not seem to dull the pain in her princess-y midsection (and slightly to the left).  She still had some elixirs from the royal alchemist, but those caused some royal side effects, including the inability to operate heavy princess machinery.

Finally, Princess Lenora consulted a good witch.  Well, "good" and "bad" are relative, but she consulted a witch nonetheless.

The witch looked over Princess Lenora from head to toe, inside and out.  "Hmm," the witch said.  "Come back again in two weeks."  Princess Lenora groaned in pain and royal frustration and took her almonds and grapefruits back home only to return again in two weeks' time.

The two weeks passed by slowly.  Princess Lenora could not even look at a piece of fruit without clutching her princess-y midsection and groaning in pain.

She returned to the neither-good-nor-bad witch two weeks later, still in pain in her princess-y midsection and slightly to the royal left.  She awaited the bad news, white-knuckled and clenched.  "It's grapefruits, isn't it?" she asked.  "You'll have to perform surgery a major spell, right??"

The why-do-we-have-to-put-a-value-on-everything witch patiently said, "No.  It's not grapefruits."

"Oranges, then?  Figures it'd be oranges."

"No, it's not oranges."

"Then what??" Princess Lenora cried out in dramatic princess fashion.

"Peas," said the witch.  "You had peas.  And they're gone now."

Princess Leonora was flabbergasted.  How could the peas be gone when she was still in royal pain??  The non-denominational witch explained how peas can come and go, and how some princesses are more sensitive to pea-and-almond pain than regular, non-royal, peasant-type folk -- especially princesses who don't always feel happy and princess-y, a condition for which they take regular royal elixirs.

The nonsectarian witch packed Princess Lenora off with a new set of royal compounds to take, instructions to write everything down in her diary, and another appointment in three months' time.  Princess Lenora left feeling deflated and still in pain, muttering to herself about princesses and peas.