Friday, September 23, 2016

Everything Is Easier in the County

I was kind of proud to live in the city.  Not proud in a "Look at our great and thriving metropolis!" way, but in a "Yeah, I'm a bad-ass motherfucker because I know how to live here and not die" way.  That being said, my Unit and I will be hard-pressed to move back now that Disaster Destruction Displacement 2016 has happened.  Everything is simply easier in the county.

It is no longer a pain in the ass to take out the trash.  I no longer have to lug the trash to the back door, down steps to the patio, through the yard, unlock the the six-foot-tall wooden privacy fence, and then trek down the back alley to the dumpster.  My Unit no longer has to insist on watching me do all of the above from the window to make sure that I am not accosted or assaulted (even in broad daylight) during said trash-schelpping.

Now we step outside to the backyard, plop the bags into the trash bin (either over the chain link fence or walking through the [unlocked] gate).  Once a week, my Unit wheels the bin to the end of the driveway.  Easy peasy.

Speaking of driveways:  holy shit, we have a driveway!  And a garage!  We no longer have to wonder and worry:  will we have a parking spot when we come home?  Will "our" spots be available (not really; it was public parking)?  Will we even be able to park near our home or on our same block?  Will neighbors and strangers alike have parked multiple vehicles up and down the street?  Will people who don't know how to parallel park take up more than one spot per vehicle?

No more stress and no more ritual cursing of Lent and Catholics and fish fries (okay, I probably still will, but for different reasons).  We are guaranteed safe and clean off-street parking each time we return home now.  Additionally, we no longer have to worry if we'll wake up to vandalized cars, car windows smashed, trash strewn in the yard, trash thrown on our front porch, porch lights shot out by BB guns, air conditioner units stolen, or used tampons tossed in the gangway1.

No more additional taxes!  That 1% additional income tax if one lives or works in the city?  Gone!  Take some other suckers' money, ZMD!

Even the laundry is easier in the county!  This particular house has laundry facilities on the main floor, so no more taking my life in my hands by lugging baskets of laundry up and down treacherous city basement steps.

Not all safety and laundry is guaranteed in the city.  I am well aware of that.  I also sometimes worry that I'll lose my parallel parking skills or that I'll become lax and forget to lock my car doors or I'll start leaving valuables in my car.  But I gotta say, is a whole lot easier than it was.

1Yes, all of those things have happened, including the tampon.

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